Godspeed, Stiles
by like.no.ones.watching
Summary: He would make her proud. Sort of a song-fic, sort of not. Momma Stilinski feels. I'm sorry, btw. It hurt for me to write, too.


Godspeed, Stiles

Stiles had fallen asleep in her arms. It wasn't the first time it had happened, and she had a feeling it wouldn't be the last, but there was not a finite limit to how many times it could happen again, and it was far too small a number. She missed being able to wrap herself around him completely, being able to hold him entirely in her arms. He was seven now, and it was getting harder to pick him up.

But even if he was twelve, twenty, forty years old, she still would have cherished the chance to hold him like she loved. She wouldn't be able to though, not according to her doctor. According to him, she had maybe six months left with her family. Stiles had broken down when they told him, not able to do anything more than crumple into her arms. He had finally fallen asleep, crying himself to exhaustion an hour ago.

_Dragon tales and the "water is wide"_

_Pirate's sail and lost boys fly_

_Fish bite moonbeams every night_

_And I love you_

She brushed back his hair, running her fingertips along his eyebrows, down his nose, tracing the little upturn before starting over again. In a few short months, she would not be able to do this. In a few short months, she would be losing everyone. She would lose John, she would lose her parents, she would lose her only child. How was that fair? People always talked about how the families had bad, but honestly, no one ever talked about how it would feel for the patients. Yes, they talked about slowly losing control over their bodies, losing their hair, losing their lunch, losing their life, but what about losing every single person they love all at the same time? What about that?

God, it wasn't fair. She wasn't ready to leave them, to leave Stiles. She wasn't ready to miss all those important things. She would miss his first day of high school miss his first crush, his first date, his first kiss, his first prom. She would miss watching him graduate from college, getting married. She would miss him becoming a father.

But she couldn't make it about her. She had to be strong for him, because he was seven, and he still looked at her like she hung the moon. Like she was still his world. She decided that that was how she would like to stay, and so she would make her last few months as good as possible, for him. She would make as many memories for him as she could. She would make sure he knew how much she loved him, how she adored him.

_Godspeed, little man_

_Sweet dreams, little man_

_Oh my love will fly with you each night on angels wings_

_Godspeed_

_Sweet dreams_

Stiles woke up at six thirty on the dot, no matter what, and when Stiles woke up, you could guarantee the rest of the house would wake up as well. The next weeks were no different. He always had massive amounts of energy, running and jumping around. She and John had learned early on not to let him take naps, because he would never sleep at night when they did. So he would spend the day jumping around, making forts of pillows and cardboard boxes, playing Knight-in-shining-armor or spy or superhero with Scott.

Occasionally she and Mellissa would be made to play the damsels, but mostly they just took turns watching the kids, letting the other take a break. Mellissa had been watching them more frequently lately, which she guessed was understandable in the circumstances, but she hated it. She wasn't there with Stiles, she wasn't soaking him up as much as she could, and not for the first time, she cursed her cancer, for not giving her longer, for being there in the first place.

She still got to tuck him every night though. She was very strict about being back from whatever she was doing by dinner time, and being the one to put Stiles to bed. She would tuck him in, just as she always did, and sing to him, just as she always did. Well, she would try to sing. She didn't think she was any good at it, but Stiles had insisted on it every night since he learned how. So she would watch as he fell asleep, wishing him all the best in the future, when she wouldn't be able to be there for him.

_The rocket racer's all tuckered out_

_Superman's in pajamas on the couch_

_Goodnight moon, will find the mouse_

_And I love you_

It had gotten harder, in the last few weeks, to keep up with life. She had been doing exceptionally well, she knew, for someone with her condition, and had even started to hope that maybe the doctors were wrong, but she had taken a turn, just as they said she would. Stiles had noticed, and insisted on falling asleep with her, knowing his dad would move him to his bed before the night was through.

Normally they would all sit on the couch, Stiles in his pajamas, she and John still in their day clothes, and they would all sort of collapse on each other. Stiles would end up draped across them, sometimes with a single limb hanging off, and John would always end up supporting both their weights as she leaned into his chest. They would still do the nightly ritual if the song, and when Stiles was well gone, he would carry him up, before returning to help her upstairs. There would always be those twenty minutes though, between when Stiles fell asleep and when he would be brought upstairs that she would study his face again, committing it to memory one more time.

_Godspeed, little man_

_Sweet dreams, little man_

_Oh my love will fly with you each night on angels wings_

_Godspeed_

_Sweet dreams_

Stiles knew exactly what was going on. He had a remarkably good grasp on concepts such as mortality, for a seven (and eight months) year old. He knew he wouldn't get the keep his parents with him forever, but now that time that he had with his mother would be even shorter, and he was heartbroken. At least, he thought that was what this feeling was, because it felt like someone had reached into his chest and tugged hard on something important and it was suddenly very hard to breathe, and that pain was still there and all at once his brain gave up and all he could do was cry and grab on tight to him mommy because apparently she wouldn't be there for much longer.

What he didn't understand was why it had to be her? He knew all kinds of people who he would rather lose than his mom. He wasn't very fond of that kid Jackson who was in his class at school, and his dad's Deputy was downright rude, so he would much rather one of them had to leave forever, because his mommy was an angel. She had to be, there was no other explanation. She was such a great person, and she was so nice, and she always let him have an the same amount of ice cream as his dad, even though he was smaller, and she did this thing where she picked him spun him around until he felt weightless and always let Scotty stay over when they asked and it was just _so unfair_.

But Stiles knew, he couldn't make this all about him. So he stayed with her whenever he could, and he kept her company, and when she got back from chemo he made sure he had made cookies with Aunt Mellissa to give her, because cookie made everything better. He would sit with her, and fall asleep with her like they both liked, and let her tuck him in like she loved.

He was a good boy, always, because while his mommy was going through something so _so _hard, his dad was going through it too, and he was the one who had to _keep _going, even when he didn't want to, even when it got too hard. He'd overheard them talking once, and his dad had said something about life costing money and remembering that he thought that was so weird, like, how could you make someone pay to live? But that meant that hid dad had to work even longer hours, and he would be gone for most of the day and only see mommy at night, and when he started to get grey hairs on the side of his head, Stiles made sure he ate cookies too

_God bless mommy and match box cars_

_God bless dad and thanks for the stars_

_God hears "Amen," wherever we are_

_And I love you_

The funeral was beautiful, really. But it didn't matter; Stiles wouldn't have been able to tell you about it afterward, because the entire time he couldn't see through his tears. The whole town had turned up, because his mommy was such a great person, and she deserved every ounce of love they could give her, even after she was gone. But she was still gone, and she wouldn't be coming back, and no matter how many times people said she was in a better place, and how she was watching over him, he couldn't bring himself to believe it, because if there was a God why would he do that to people? Make them watch as people were sad for them, but eventually moved on, continued on, and sometimes go through the days without thinking of them once?

How could someone be that cruel? Sure, it made the people who were still around feel better, but he hoped it wasn't true, because if his mommy deserved anything, it was to keep the amount of love she felt when she finally left, and have it be that the end, because he would hate for people to forget about him. He would never forget her, but maybe the students she taught would, or maybe their neighbor, Mrs. Clancy, would. Stiles was even sadder at that thought, she deserved to never be forgotten. And, if by chance she was up there, watching him, then he would make sure to be the best person he could, and the smartest person, and make her as proud as he could.

But he would start later, because right now all he could do was cry.

___Godspeed, little man_

_Sweet dreams, little man_

_Oh my love will fly with you each night on angels wings_

_Godspeed_

_Godspeed_

_Godspeed_

_Sweet dreams_


End file.
